Technology These Days
by Jyulin
Summary: Technology. Schmeh. Weird stuff.
1. The legendary USB coffee warmer

The Adventures of Daniel and the USB Coffee Warmer

Daniel sat in his office at his computer, revising the latest pictures taken by SG-14. He stared at the screen, observing the ruins that had been discovered. They were covered in the writing of the Ancients. He copied down the symbols and set to work translating them.

'A nice birthday present,' he thinks, in every bit of seriousness. It was his birthday that day (A/N: no duh). After only translating one word of the text, Sam entered, hiding something behind her back.

"Happy birthday, Daniel!" she exclaimed, procuring the present which was wrapped in boring brown paper with a colourful card stuck to the front. She handed it to him and watched carefully as he opened the well sticky-taped box. Within it was a _thing_ wrapped in bubble wrap. He glanced at Sam and she grinned. Daniel unwrapped the gift rapidly. His face dropped when he was what it was. It was a round silver circular about three centimetres high and had a little stick thing that was unknown to Daniel on one end. Sam saw this drop in enthusiasm.

"You don't like it?" asked Sam, sounding a little offended.

"Uh, no, I like it, I like it…I just, uh, don't know what it is," said Daniel.

Sam smiled. "Well, that's OK." She took the gift from Daniel and went over to his computer. She plugged it into his computer; into a place that was previously unknown to him.

"You got coffee?" she asked. Daniel looked confused, and gave her the cup of coffee that was sitting on his desk, right next to the computer, by Sam's left hand.

She put the coffee on the metal plate thing that she had bought him. She turned back to him and smiled, as if to say, "It should make sense now (!)"

Obviously, it didn't.

"It's a USB Coffee Warmer-fanfare-!" she said, gesturing at her gift.

Suddenly, the alarm sounds and a voice came over the PA system.

_SG-1 to the briefing room immediately. Repeat, SG-1 to the briefing room, stat._

The message sounded urgent, so Sam and Daniel dropped everything and left for the briefing room.

Briefing Room

O'Neill, Teal'c and General Hammond were in the briefing room by the time Sam and Daniel arrived. They sat down in their customary positions and Hammond said, "SG-1, we have a problem with the Stargate."

The team looked at the good General with expressions of query on their faces.

"What's wrong?" asked Sam. "I performed a diagnostic last week!"

Hammond shook his head. "No, they've found something _in_ the Stargate."

O'Neill placed the palms on his hands flat on the table to look more official.

"What is it?"

To be continued…

Please read and review. I know this sucks, but I got sick of writing Angst so I decided to do something else for a change. All reviews are welcome. Flames will be archived in my gmail account instead of being tossed out.


	2. Fungus

Chapter 2

"Fungus."

SG-1 looked at each other, then at Hammond.

"Oh, yes, sir, fungus is a _great _threat to inter-planetary security," said O'Neill, sarcastically. He was annoyed. He had been having his pie-eating experience in the commissary.

"Well, it is if it's on the freakin' Stargate!" said Hammond, angrily. "How long has it been since this thing was cleaned?"

Sam and Daniel exchanged glances. Was this General Hammond? He was acting really weird.

"Uh, sir, a little fungus shouldn't affect the gate," said Sam, preparing to rave on about how the Stargate is a giant superconductor and how a bit of fungus shouldn't affect its normal function.

"Yes, Major, but the fungus we found on the gate was radioactive. Our sensors picked up the radioactiveness a while ago, just after you came back."

Sam stared at the General. Radioactiveness? "Uh, sir," she said. "Radioactiveness isn't a word."

Hammond gave her the evil eye. "It is for all our intents and purposes. Now if you continue to question me, I will have you court-marshalled."

Teal'c and O'Neill exchanged glances. There is no way in hell that this could be the real Major General George Hammond. Nevertheless, the team was quiet and allowed their CO to finish what he was saying.

"The Stargate has not been working properly since you returned. We sent SG-13 through to what we thought would be P3R-996. But they were overdue for radio contact. We sent a MALP and they were all dead around the Stargate."

"So what do we need to do?" asked Daniel. "It could have been a coincidence-"

He was interrupted. "I believe that the fungus came from the planet in your last mission. I need you to go back."

Daniel's directional pattern of what he was saying dramatically changed. "Wait, you want us to go back? That planet was invaded by Goa'uld; we were lucky to make it back the first time."

Please R&R. Next chapter coming soon. All feedback is accepted, but flames are accepted with protest.


	3. One must love one's hot coffee

Daniel's Office

"Does someone want to tell me what went on back there?" Daniel took his coffee from his USB coffee warmer and had a sip to calm himself. This attempt didn't work, however, as he burnt his tongue because it was so damn hot.

Sam shrugged at his question. She opened her mouth to say something, but closed it as an extremely irritated O'Neill entered, steam practically hissing out of his ears. He had been 'negotiating' with Hammond about the mission he had set them.

"We leave at 1700 hours," he said, unable to think of anything else to say.

Sam raised both eyebrows. "Today?" she asked. "That's a bit late in the afternoon to be _leaving_ for a mission, isn't it?"

"Yeah," agreed Daniel.

1700 Hours

SG-1 was geared up and ready to go. They waited in the embarkation room while Hammond ordered the dial out procedure to begin. In the meantime, Sam took the time to carefully run her eyes over every bit of the Stargate, trying to find this legendary _fungus_. She couldn't find it. Daniel stood beside her. His backpack was packed with things; one of them being a laptop. He also had a video camera; he had no idea why. It would just be a burden in an emergency. But, anyway...

The Stargate came to life and O'Neill ordered them through. Weapons at the ready, they jumped through the gate.

Other side

There was nothing. Just grass and trees swaying softly with the breeze. There were no tracks to follow, no signs of activity in the area.

"All right," said O'Neill. "Anyone want to wager on what's on this planet?"

Daniel replied straightaway. "I'd think a Jaffa patrol will find us any minute now."

"OK," sighed O'Neill. "Me and Teal'c will go in this direction. Carter, you and Daniel secure the gate."

Sam nodded. "Yes, sir."

O'Neill went off with Teal'c and Sam remained on her feet, ready for any hostiles and Daniel at her side.

One hour later

Things had kind of loosened up considerably, apart from the fact that the colonel and Teal'c had not returned yet. About forty minutes ago, Daniel had set up his laptop with his USB coffee warmer plugged in. He had one of those cheap instant coffee things made up and it was sitting in his coffee warmer. The laptop was beside him on the stairs. He picked up the mug that was warming coffee in.

Suddenly, a horn sounded. Sam stood up abruptly, and yelled, "Daniel!"

Before anyone could react, a Jaffa came up behind him and caught him around his neck. He heard a zat blast being firedand expected to feels a sharp pain throughout his body. But it didn't come.

_It must have hit Sam,_ he thought.

The Jaffa's grip tightened around his neck. As an immediate reaction, he brought his hand up to the Jaffa's arm. Momentarily, he had forgotten about the coffee in his hand. The Jaffa yelled as boiling hot coffee was sprayed over his face, letting Daniel go. Quickly, he turned to his computer and yanked out his USB coffee warmer and shoved it onto the leg of his attacker. The Jaffa yelled, a little louder this time, and bent down to brush the hot object off his knee. When he did so, Daniel elbowed him in the nose.

The Jaffa barked orders to retreat. He didn't understand everything they said, but he understood something the Jaffa said about a dangerous substance.

Between the commotion, Daniel had little time to think, y_ou gotta love the coffee._

They all retreated to the tree line, dropping Sam in an unconscious heap in the dirt.

Daniel ran to her, as she stirred helping her sit up. As he did, O'Neill and Teal'c came jogging over the hill.

"Jack!" he shouted across the field. "Where have you been?"

O'Neill looked kind of embarrassed. Teal'c saw this and put words in O'Neill's mouth.

"O'Neill requested to find, what you call 'toilet'," he said, hardly keeping a straight face.

Even though she was still feeling a bit thick from her unconsciousness, she looked at Daniel and they both burst out laughing.

"What?" asked O'Neill, offended.

Next chapter coming soon. Please R&R.


	4. Ooops

Chapter 4

Daniel helped Sam to her feet, who was feeling a little dizzy. O'Neill immediately jumped in, not allowing any comment about the previous discussion.

"OK, kids," he said, his hands resting on his P-90. "What about we go and find that fungus?"

Sam nodded. "Maybe the Goa'uld did it," she suggested. "I mean, they must have a base around here." She gestured toward the tree line, where the Jaffa ran to. "It might be in this direction, because the Jaffa that attacked us all immediately ran that way."

O'Neill was open to suggestions. "Then that way it is," he lead the team away, toward the trees.

In the trees

"Sir, there's something up ahead," said Carter, readying her weapon.

O'Neill gestured for the team to move forward. As they peeked over the hill in front of them, they saw a large Goa'uld facility.

"They're carrying something inside," said O'Neill, observing the Jaffa through his binoculars. "I wanna see what it is." After Teal'c, Daniel and Sam all nodded in agreement, they moved forward, careful not to be seen.

In the facility

"OK," said O'Neill quietly to his team. "We'll split up. Daniel and Teal'c go that way and Carter and I will go that way."

Carter nodded, but Daniel obviously had an objection unspoken.

They split up. Sam looked over her shoulder at Daniel. He was slouching forward, a right old sulk. She didn't know why he was in such a bad mood. Pushing these thoughts aside, she followed the Colonel, carefully watching for Jaffa or such enemies. They made their way down the silver, gold and unexciting corridor until they came to a door. It was open; no one was expecting intruders.

O'Neill made a strange and vivid hand gesture, one that's purpose was to get her attention. Sam frowned; she had no idea what it meant, but she guessed that it was a silent way to order her in. She obeyed with a small nod, peeking around the corner first to make sure that there were no occupants. After finding none, she signaled in a more civilized way for the Colonel to follow her.

Inside this room was another door. It was slightly smaller than the main one and had a brass handle. While O'Neill secured one side of the area, she tapped the door handle to make sure it wasn't force-fielded. (A/N I'm being an idiot; force-fielded is not a word, I think.) After she was satisfied that is was not, she turned the handle and pointed her gun at the occupant.

Sam's eyes widened. Her eyebrows rose. Her mouth dropped open in surprise. She could only think of one thing to say and it wasn't even intelligent.

"Ooops."

I hate Microsoft Word. The first sentence I wrote, it underlined it in green and suggested that I change it to 'Daniel helped Sam to her feet, who were feeling a little dizzy' or 'Daniel helped Sam to her foot, who was feeling dizzy'. And my friend wrote "WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS" and MW suggested "WHY IS YOU ACTING LIKE THIS". Geez! What is with this…this thing?


	5. Head's up!

Chapter 5

"Ooops"

Sam registered what she saw only too late. As she opened the jam-packed cupboard, a whole heap of junk toppled out onto her. She felt her knees buckle under the weight and before she knew it, she was lying on the floor. O'Neill heard the commotion and hurried over, picking up his friend. Sam got up, plucked off a piece of string that was annoyingly fastened around her head. As they observed the mess in front of them, they burst out laughing. An assorted bunch of stuffed toys lay on the floor at their feet. They realised that laughing in the middle of a _very_ important mission was a big no-no, but this was an exception.

"OK," said O'Neill, tears of laughter still leaking out his eyes, "Do you wanna tell me what the hell going on?"

Sam, still giggling a little, shook her head. "I have no idea what's going on."

The Colonel and Sam continued on, looking suspiciously at another corridor. Glancing at each other, they crept down it, soon coming to another room. Slowly they peeked around the corner and entered.

Then, Sam gagged. O'Neill looked at her, worried. What was wrong? What the hell was wrong with her?

**I am _so_ sorry about the short chapters! Although, I can post chapters more quickly this way. **


	6. Pink and fungusy

Chapter 6

Sam covered her mouth with her hand and dashed out. O'Neill, thinking she was going to be sick, followed her. However, when he saw her outside, she was on her knees laughing harder than he had ever seen her laugh.

"Carter?" He asked, in a foul mood. Sam widened her eyes to look innocent, tried to control her giggling and looked at her CO.

"Sorry, sir," she said, suddenly solemn. "Just take a look in there!"

O'Neill poked his head around the corner. In a bunk bed on the opposite side of the room was a Goa'uld, or Jaffa, asleep with one hand curled around a teddy bear. Creeping over to take a closer look, he noticed that it was bright pink and covered in a fungus.

"At least we know we're in the right place," said the Colonel, before a wave of laughter swept him away and he dashed into the corridor so as not to be heard laughing.

**NOTE: I mean no disrespect to all those who sleep with teddy bears. I myself are one of them. (Although, I'm guessing that not too many of us sleep with teddy bears covered in fungus.) **And sorry this chapter's so short. I suppose these sorts of chapters aren't chapters.


	7. Disorientative

Chapter 7

Teal'c and Daniel were in an entirely different corridor. They had found a room with a whole heap of weapons, most of which Daniel had never seen before.

"What's this?" he asked Teal'c, picking up a small purple one and showing it to Teal'c.

"That is a Disorientation Device," he explained this to his friend as if he was a small child. "It is meant to disorient one."

"Yeah, I got that," said Daniel, not meaning to sound rude.

Suddenly, a staff blast whizzed past him. Daniel faced the Jaffa that had almost shot him, the disorientation device in hand. He quickly looked it over, not seeing any trigger or means to discharge the weapon.

"Teal'c!" he yelled desperately, watching as the Jaffa readied his weapon again. "How do you fire this thing?"

Teal'c opened his mouth to say something and attempted to draw his zatn'k'tel. Daniel knocked the Jaffa about to fire at him over the head with the Disorientation Device. He slumped to the floor, soundless.

"Like that, DanielJackson," said Teal'c solemnly.

"I thought this was supposed to disorient one!" said Daniel straightening his glasses.

Teal'c looked at the body lying on the floor. "I think it disoriented him, DanielJackson," he said, kicking the Jaffa to emphasize his point.

"Yup, that disorientated him alright," said Daniel.

_Muchos gracias_ (thanks) to all reviewers that reviewed this fanfic!


	8. Effing noticeboards

Chapter 8

Daniel and Teal'c quietly rounded a bend, making sure that they were not seen.

"Hey Teal'c," said Daniel. "Do you know where we are going?"

Teal'c looked solemn. "Indeed I do not, DanielJackson."

Daniel, who was a little unnerved by this, said, "OK, then why are you going this way?"

Teal'c continued undeterred, with Daniel tailgating him. "For the same reason _you_ are going this way."

Daniel sighed. "Great. I can't believe it. We're lost in a Goa'uld facility. Don't they have, like, maps or something?"

"Indeed they do, DanielJackson. They are this way. They are on the community noticeboard in the Jaffa room."

Daniel's eyes quickly became larger than his glasses. "You serious?"

"Yes."

The bespectacled man opened his mouth to say something,but had no time toreply; Teal'c heard a noise and raised his hand to indicate silence. His friend obeyed, readying his zatn'k'tel. In too much of a spy movie fashion, Teal'c crept around the corner, he saw something, he pointed the gun, he…

"Teal'c!"

Teal'c lowered his weapon, as he saw O'Neill lowering his own. Sam appeared from behind him.

Alarms sounded around them as the Goa'uld were alerted of their presence. Then, all of a sudden, a large voice boomed around the ship.

"SG-1 is in da house y'all."

SG-1 looked at each other, confused. What was with the guy speakin' da streetz? Having no time to ponder this (Jaffas were chasing them yelling "Get those MotherBeep!s"

O'Neill, Sam, Teal'c and Daniel sprinted around the bend like a famous sprinters. Daniel attempted a peek behind him, only to be victim to a disorientation device. He tried to yell to his friends, but the last thing he was them also being clobbered by the purple device.


	9. Sulphuric acid?

Chapter 9

Daniel opened his eyes slowly. "I want a milkshake."

At this, various "huh?"s sounded around the room. They were in a holding cell, one that appeared of Goa'uld design, but obviously with less advanced security. For one, there was a lock in the door, as opposed to the six-symbols-on-the-pad deal and enter-the correct-combination-of-five.

Sam sat up. "Well, this looks easy enough."

O'Neill stood up and crossed to the entrance, pulling a thin strip of metal out of his belt. Daniel stared at him, attempting to copy what Teal'c would look like. Constipated.

"Who are you, MacGuyver?" he asked.

O'Neill's eyes were shifty. "Of…course not."

To prove his point (that he wasn't MacGuyver) he shoved the metal in the keyhole and screwed the simple job up by breaking the lock pick. The shape was of no use to pick any locks. O'Neill wrestled with the annoying piece of sh- metal until it came out of the lock.

Sam rolled her eyes. "I'll get it, sir."

She pulled a vile of green liquid from her pocket and removed the cap.

"What good is green tea going to do us, Carter?" asked O'Neill, sceptical.

"Uh, sir, this is sulphuric acid; highly corrosive," she said, pouring all the liquid she could manage into the keyhole and stepping back.

"Carter, why do you carry around sulphuric acid?"asked O'Neill. The metal creaked and broke. "Nice!"

Teal'c readied himself to kick the door open and assault all Jaffa guarding them.

SLAM!

Sam, O'Neill, Teal'c and Daniel all cringed at the groan a Jaffa gave as he had a door lobbed in his face.

Teal'c and Daniel, looking too much like James Bond wannabes, stood in the archway waiting for all other Jaffas.

"I can't believe this," said Daniel. "They only had one Jaffa guarding us. What's the deal?"

Then, they saw what the deal was.


	10. Cannonballed

Chapter 10

"Huh?"

"Am I seeing things? Is _Deal Or No Deal_ on TV?"

"Indeed; I do believe this _Deal or No Deal_ is on the long-range communication device."

SG-1 stared, mouths open, at the long range communication device. There was that annoying host saying something. Then, a huge party of Jaffa came marching noisily up the corridor. Sam, O'Neill, Daniel and Teal'c hid themselves back in their cell. They all decided to listen through the hole in the door that was the keyhole.

A mistake.

"Hey! I'm listening at the keyhole!" Daniel whispered ferociously at Sam, who was trying to push him out of the way.

O'Neill joined the antics. "Carter, Daniel, as your CO I have a right to listen at the keyhole! You two listen from down there!" He gestured at the tiny gap between the door and floor.

"Negative," said Teal'c. The others stared at him. "I will listen at the keyhole." With that, he pushed them out of the way using minimal effort and put his eye to the hole.

Sam, Daniel and O'Neill flew to the side and lay in a pile nearby.

"Whaddya find, Teal'c?" asked O'Neill, face smushed on the floor and Daniel's arm in his ribs.

"They seem to be pulling something from down the hall," said Teal'c, still watching intently.

"Really?" asked Daniel, attempting to untangle himself from his friends, kicking Sam in the face while doing so. "Ya wouldn't wanna givus a hand here, now, would you Teal'c? Teal'c?"

The big man was silent. There was a faint clinking outside and a burst of laughter. O'Neill thought his ears might be deceiving him but could've sworn he heard someone yell, "Oi, where's the remote?"

Teal'c remained at the lock until the rest of SG-1 had got themselves sorted out.(That was about 10 minutes; about the time when a commercial break should come on.) O'Neill lay on his stomach to see under the door and see what was going on outside.

"A sofa?"

Indeed it was; a big red, ugly sofa in front of the long range communication device, and on it Jaffa drinking beer and watching the football.

"What sorta Goa'uld owns this fort?" asked Sam. "Do we even know?"

Now that they thought about it, they didn't. They hardly knew anything about this place, about the enemy...although, from what they had seen, there was no need to worry.

Or not.

"The Jaffa are approaching us O'Neill," said Teal'c stepping back slightly. "I believe that-"

He broke off as someone kicked the piece of wood on hinges. The force sent Teal'c soaring over the small span between him and his friends. Though he heard an "Aw, shit" from O'Neill, Teal'c was quite enjoying himself. He had always enjoyed flying. This feeling ended when he cannoned into his friends.

"Thanks Teal'c," said O'Neill, who was on the bottom of the pile and had the big Jaffa's ass in his face.

"You are welcome, O'Neill."


	11. Noone has TicTacs when ya need 'em

Chapter 11

After untangling themselves, SG-1 proceeded to attack the Jaffa in their presence. Sam did the best, giving all attackers a kick in the nuts. While the other members of her team battled with the enemy, she was quite at ease, getting rid of the small number of Jaffa dumb enough to pick on her.

O'Neill, however, was not doing so well. His attacker, who was not as dumb as he seemed, had got his hands around his neck and was yelling in his face. Teal'c and Daniel had problems of their own, so Sam came over and dealt with the rat bastard strangling her CO.

Daniel desperately tried to punch his geezer, but was unsuccessful.

"Lemme punch you!" yelled Daniel for no reason.

"I AM MISSING MY PROGRAM BECAUSE OF YOU!" screamed the Jaffa right back, in a clear rage.For a heartbeat, Daniel wondered what was so great about_Deal or No Deal_ anyway beforethe Jaffamanaged to grab the archaeologist around the neck, as his friend had done O'Neill. It seemed to be a common tactic. Daniel struggled in the Jaffa's grasp until the Jaffa said something. Daniel collapsed, the Jaffa's hands still around his neck.

Teal'c had gained the upper hand of his battle (thanks to the nut-kickin' Sam) saw this happening.

"DanielJackson!" he yelled, running to where his friend was. His calling drew the attention of O'Neill and Sam. They too ran over, booting the remaining persons from their cell and moving to Daniel's side.

"Daniel," Sam whispered as she knelt down beside him. "Are you OK?" He stirred and sat up.

"A bit short of breath," he said, looking at his concerned friends. O'Neill frowned.

"I thought you took a knock to the head!" he said.

Daniel shook his head. "No, but his breath was really bad."

Sam glanced at Teal'c and Teal'c at O'Neill.

Daniel stared at them. "What!"

* * *

The next chapter will be better. 


	12. Scheiße Wieder verloren

Chapter 12

After disposing of all Jaffa guard and waiting for Daniel to get his head back in order, SG-1 were creeping the corridors once more.

"Has anyone found this the weirdest mission we have ever had?" asked Sam, quite promptly hiding behind something in order to avoid a patrol. After them bypassing her, she jumped out again, fists at the ready.

"I think we should try to find that fungus again," said Daniel.

O'Neill nodded in agreement. "We'll split up again. This time, Carter, with Daniel. Teal'c and me will go this way." He gestured as he spoke, pointing to two different corridors. "You and Daniel try to find the weapons and contact us if you find anything."

He left at a jog down his corridor. Teal'c followed, leaving Sam and Daniel alone in the corridor.

"He knows that we don't have our com's, right?" asked Sam, not bothering to run after the Colonel. Just as Daniel shrugged, O'Neill and Teal'c came right back, jogging backwards in classic cartoon style.

"Realize something, sir?" asked Sam pertly. O'Neill shot her a dirty look and sighed.

"Yes, Carter, I did."

As Sam chuckled, her CO said threateningly, "Carter, don't make me go into the details of that mission on P4X-595, where you drank that stuff that made you-"

"Ahem, we won't go into that right now." The topic was not mentioned again.

"Lets go," announced O'Neill like he was awarding the emmys.

They set off, but Daniel, who had been not paying attention, wandered off in the opposite direction.

Ten Minutes Later

Daniel came across a room. He entered, careful to stay unseen. He hadn't needed to; there was no one present. He crossed to the other side, where a box lay unopened and had…pink pigs on it? Stupidly, he opened it. The lid came flying up and hit him on the noggin.

"Awww, hell!" he said loudly, shutting his mouth quickly afterwards to draw no more attention to his position.

"Hey guys, look! I found our weapons and coms! Guys?" he only just noticed that they weren't with him. He loaded himself up with all the ordinance he could carry and went back the way he came to find Sam and Teal'c and O'Neill.

Half an hour later

The archaeologist wandered down yet another seemingly endless corridor. Suddenly he stopped and said, "Scheiße. Wieder verloren!" which in German meant 'S#t. Lost again!'.

But as he saw a light at the end of this corridor, he saw exactly what he had been looking for. He gasped as he got closer and closer, and closer.

* * *

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**I'm a girl! **As much as I like you for reviewing, I don't like you in _that_ way. And I'm not pregnant (Thank god)

Also, thanks to Darth Tater, MasterJediJ, Queen Tigress, and Knightgirl4Jack for your reviews. I really appreciate them.


	13. Hi mommy

Chapter 13

T'was indeed the…

COMMUNITY NOTICEBOARD! –fanfare-

And it had a map too!

"Thank god these Jaffa are so stupid," said Daniel, thinking this not for the first time. Although, getting closer, he realised that it was in Jaffanese, not in English.

Translating quickly, he worked out that it was in English, just had Jaffa symbols instead of letters.

"'Yo, you dawgs, dis is da map of da hoodz' geez these guys really have a thing with speaking the streets!" Daniel noted, taking one last glance at the map before turning down hallway. (He didn't know where the hell he was going.) At the end of it, was a large bowl of some description, so large in fact that it came up to Daniel's waist. He carefully peeked inside. An ugly pink mass of goo was inside, bubbling from a source of heat that was unknown to him.

Suddenly, there was a creaking noise coming from inside a wall. Daniel jumped back, finding nowhere to hide so he stood, defenceless, in the middle of the corridor. A large conveyor belt emerged from the wall.

"HUH?" was Daniel's response. "What the hell is this, a supermarket?"

Right on que, items came rolling out on this conveyor belt; first some beer bottles, then some chip packets and then a…baseball bat?

Daniel quickly collected the bat before it turned to ash in the pink crud, which was slowly turning a shade of red.

_It might come in useful_, he thought to himself. It had been a while since he had ever seen one of these things.

Then, SG-1's weapons started to roll out on the belt. They were going to be destroyed! (Oh my beeping god.)

Daniel's heart raced at the thought. He readied the bat in his hands, knowing he would not be able to stop the destruction of good weaponry with his bare hands. He lined up his shot…

The P-90 came down! He flogged it, sending it flying at least 25 metres down the corridor. Having no time to gloat about this _magnificent_ shot. He hit the next weapon, and the next.

But he saw something that scared him more than anything else. It was his coffee warmer, lined up to go in the pink stuff.

PLOP!

Ooops, there went a bayonet. But none of that mattered now. His one and only priority was the USB coffee warmer. (Author reckons he needs to sort out his priorites.)

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He made a prolonged sound as he dived for the piece of metal. He grabbed it and moved to the side of the belt.

"Daniel!" Sam was calling his name from the end of the corridor. "Colonel, I found him!"

O'Neill's head popped around the corner. "Daniel, I thought I told you to stay with us!"

Daniel rolled his eyes. "Yes, mom."


	14. Succumbed to the power of PS

Chapter 14

"Is there something that you are not telling us, O'Neill?" asked Teal'c.

Daniel and Sam took one look at each other and burst out laughing. After about, ooh say 2 minutes, Sam was on her knees laughing, and Daniel was rolling around on the floor. Hell, even Teal'c managed a smile. O'Neill, however, was not amused.

"Hey! Teal'c, I expected more from you! How could you? Respect your CO!"

"I am sorry O'Neill. However, I want to know what you are not telling us."

"Well, if you must know…I have decided to pull out on this mission."

"General Hammond will be most displeased."

"Yeah, well, the…um…the truth is that- I'm allergic to fungus."

Daniel sighed loudly. "Well, duh, so am I."

They had no chance to continue the conversation further, as a whole heap of Jaffa had their staffs trained on 'em.

"Surrender now or die," said one, his hard black eyes glittering dangerously.

"OK, OK big guy…don't shoot – we ain't go any weapons anyway."

The Jaffa gestured something to another and Sam, Daniel, Teal'c and O'Neill were taken away.

SG-1 was forced to kneel before someone wearing a bloody awful outfit.

"Watz y'all doin' here, yo?"

"Would you cut out the street speakin' please?" asked O'Neill, annoyed.

The Goa'uld nodded, now talking fluent Jaffanese. Daniel had to translate.

"'You will be tortured for information and then will be killed,'" he translated slowly. "How bad can a street talking Goa'uld torture?"

Another Room

SG-1 sat in a row on the floor, Sam on the end next to Daniel, O'Neill next to Daniel and Teal'c next to him. They were before a long-range telecommunication ball. It switched on. The worst show in the world came on. Play school.

"NOOOO!" cried Daniel, "Not in this way, God, PLEEASE! I don't want to go like this!"

After one hour of watching Play School

Daniel lay on the floor, eyes wide and blank. Teal'c was dead to the world, apparently in some form of kelno'reem. Sam was awake, but not for too much longer, it seemed.

"Sir," she said, words slightly slurred from tired and boredomness, "I think some sort of signal being transmitted through the long range communication deviiiiiiiccceeeee." She finally lost consciousness and drooped where she sat.

"Carter," said O'Neill, looking like a zombie, "Why won't they just play the Simpsons?" And went to sleep.

By the time the clock ticked one hour and ten minutes, SG-1 had succumbed to the power of Play School.

* * *

This is the dumbest thing I have written in my whole life.

Oh and by the way 'Bloody' is a word that in Australian slang language is an emphasis of something.


	15. Crazy4coffee

Chapter 15

When they woke, SG-1 were still in front of the long range communication device. It was off, and they were not alone. Jaffa still surrounded them. What sort of threat they'd be to them was a different matter.

They were all asleep, drool flowing from their mouths creating some sort of sick water fall. They, too, had obviously succumbed to the power of Playschool.

"How dumb can you get?" asked O'Neill, who, though still a little groggy, was alert and keeping an eye on the Jaffa. "They were stupid enough to watch it too! They should've used ear muffs."

Sam was apparently in a little world of her own. Her eyes were blank and staring.

"Sam, hallo?" called Daniel. "Sam, are you alright?"

She stared back at him and clenched her fists, hands shaking with apparent fury. "NO!" She dived for Daniel, holding him down, grabbing hold of his neck and wringing it.

"Jack!" Daniel tried to yell to O'Neill but all that emerged was a croak. Teal'c jumped to the rescue, pulling Sam off of him.

"Carter!" yelled O'Neill. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I don't have my coffee! I need coffee! Hot coffee!"

"Well, Sam, we don't have coffee, but we have a coffee warmer. Can you wait until we get back to earth?" Daniel wanted to know. The Colonel seemed more intent on curing Sam than waiting for Sam to answer. He went up to her.

"Hey Carter," he said. "What's that?" He pointed at the opposite corner of the room. When she stopped fighting for her coffee for a moment to look at it, he flicked her on the nose. Immediately, she came to.

"What? What's goin' on?"

She looked at Teal'c, who was still restraining her. She awkwardly moved away.

"How the hell did you do that Jack?" Daniel looked at O'Neill. "How'd you know to flick her on the nose?"

Humbled, Jack said, "I saw it in a movie once."

Sam rolled her eyes. "Have you completely abandoned your crossword puzzles to watch movies all day?"

The Colonel shrugged, then changed the subject. "What made you do that thing?"

"It was controlling my mind, I think." She paused for a minute. "Y'know how Hammond was acting all weird before we left?" Teal'c, Daniel and O'Neill nodded. "Well, this might be the same thing."

They nodded in agreement. But Daniel, being a little slow, said, "How does that help us?"

"We now know how to cure General Hammond," said Teal'c.

"Flickin' him on the nose? Yeah, that'll work (!)"


	16. I got an antivirus sooner than expected

Chapter DammitI'veForgottenWhatChapterI'mUpTo

"Alright. All we have to do is flick General Hammond on the nose. If that's all we need to do, why are we here?" Daniel had decided that this was ridiculous and that if Hammond had a problem with the fungus on the 'gate, he would have to deal with it himself.

O'Neill seemed to agree, but for a different reason. "That's it! I want something to eat; we're going home, kids!"

Sam looked at him weirdly. "Um, sir, do you wanna go back just cos you're hungry?"

Her CO glared. "No, Carter, I'm looking for excuses." She waited for some sarcastic comment to follow, but it never came, therefore telling her that he was completely serious.

Daniel looked at Teal'c, who was standing silently beside them. Suddenly, Teal'c lunged forward and got O'Neill in a headlock.

"Who are you and what have you done with the real Colonel O'Neill?"

"Teal'c, what the hell are you doing?" the Colonel gagged, making it sound as though his air was cut off although he could breathe just fine.

"You are being serious. You are not O'Neill."

O'Neill wrestled himself free of the big man's grasp and chortled, "thanks buddy. Let's just go home."

Daniel was lost deep in thought as they made their way back to the Stargate. It was hard to believe his birthday had not been three days ago and his coffee warmer had already been scratched (!) Sam dialed Earth and they all went home, tired, sore and reason-for-the-fungusless.

General Hammond was waiting them on the other side. "Welcome back, SG-1. Was your mission successful?"

O'Neill walked right up to the good General and flicked him on the nose. It was as if someone had chucked a bucket of water over him: Hammond shuddered violently, then looked as if Sam, O'Neill, Daniel and Teal'c were aliens (A/N 'scuse the alien bit, on Teal'c's behalf).

"Where the hell did I send you?" he said suddenly.

"You sent us to find the origin of the fungus on the Stargate, sir."

"That's right, I remember now. Debriefing in one hour."

Sam, Daniel and Teal'c went to the locker rooms. O'Neill turned to leave when Hammond stopped him.

"The president called in relation to the fungus on the Stargate. I'm afraid we might have to take action."

O'Neill couldn't find anything to say. "What? What action?"

* * *

I'm afraid the next chapter will be the last, but certainly not least. I might consider writing a sequel, just to torture you.


	17. Big Ass Finale

The Big Ass Finish (that is actually not a big finish but a small and swift one.)

Near the end of SG-1's briefing

"…the president has nevertheless decided to take action."

Sam was shocked. "But sir, we didn't put the fungus there! Anyway, according to my calculations, the fungus with have no negative effects on either the Stargate or any personnel on the base."

The rest of SG-1 was sitting mouths open at what was being said. Even Teal'c's jaw was dropped about three centimeters, which was three centimeters larger than it usually was.

Daniel opened his mouth to say something, but Hammond beat him to it. Obviously, he was starting to lose his patience.

"SG-1, the president has given me a direct order! Tomorrow, you will all be scrubbing the fungus off the Stargate with toothbrushes and that is final! There's nothing that I can do." He got up from his customary spot at the head of the table and went into his office, closing the door behind him. There was an awkward silence. Daniel was the first to break it.

"I don't understand this! The president? I voted for him!"

O'Neill looked furious. "We have orders, Daniel. I guess tomorrow, we'll be scrubbing the Stargate with our toothbrushes." He paused for a moment. "My old one's blue. What colour is yours, T?"

"It is indeed purple with yellow polka dots, O'Neill," said Teal'c profoundly, although the question and answer called for no such tone.

"What about you Danny? Carter?"

"Mine's green," said Daniel.

"And I have a red toothbrush," said Sam, staring out the window and at the Stargate, wondering how long it would take to clean the bloody thing.

The next day, at fungus-scrubbing time

"How the hell are we going to get this done within the year?" Daniel was not a very happy camper. He hated to clean things, and his office was a accurate example of his opinions, with artifacts strewn randomly on all shelves, old coffee cups sitting in an allocated corner and the only item visible on his desk through the sea of papers was the picture of Sha're.

"I have an idea to make things easier," Sam said, thinking out loud, and disappeared for five minutes. When she returned, she visited Harriman Davis in the control room and told him to input one co-ordinate into the Stargate dialing computer. Confused, he did as ordered and the Stargate began to spin.

Sam returned to the embarkation room with her toothbrush and a heavy bucket of water proudly donated by General Hammond.

"What did you do?" asked Daniel whose temper had softened a little. She smiled and walked up the ramp, an angry Daniel, a sleepy O'Neill and an expressionless Teal'c following her, each also carrying their own tooth cleaning devices. The chevron of the only co ordinate that she had dialed locked, then the inner ring of the Stargate began to spin in the opposite direction. Sam placed the head of her toothbrush onto the spinning part of the 'gate. The rest of SG-1 followed suit, standing there while the ring spun and it do the job for them.

"Way to go, Carter! How'd ya come up with this one?" O'Neill was rather impressed when in only 20 minutes they had completed cleaning the entire inner ring.

Sam shook her head. "No, I didn't think of this." O'Neill gave her a look that wondered where she _had _got the idea from, so she explained. "On the last day of grade 12, some kids went crazy, got a permanent marker, stood on a desk and held it to the fan while it was still on to make patterns."

"What's this?" asked Daniel, whom, along with Teal'c, had been listening to the conversation. "Geez, we really must ask you where you get your ideas more often (!)"

After the inner ring was clean, the dialing procedure was aborted and they had to perform some acrobatics and monkey business (namely, standing on one another's shoulders to reach and scrub half way, then, using ropes and the muscles of Teal'c and O'Neill, Sam and Daniel climbing up to clean the very top of the 'gate.

SG-1 stood in front of the f-ing cleanest Stargate they had ever seen, admiring the work of treacherous hours.

Daniel sighed. "Good thing no SG teams came through while we were cleaning, doncha think?"

O'Neill nodded. "Yeah."

Then, the chevrons started glowing. SG-1 had many different opinions on many different things, but this was one instance where they all thought the same thing.

"Aww shit."

Each dived to the side just as the Stargate came to life and the vortex flushed out. Picking themselves up, they saw General Hammond in the control room, ordering the iris closed. A radio message was being sent through.

"Hello? Hello, Jahamabingbong, are you there? You forgot your underwear for the big trip!"

Hammond spoke. "My name is General George Hammond of the planet Earth. With whom am I speaking?"

The person on the other end sounded mildly surprised. "Oh, I'm sorry dear, wrong number. I was wondering…I've thrown something through your Chaapa'ai before: some fungus. Did you get it?" And the Stargate shut itself off.

SG-1 looked at each other.

"That was weird," said O'Neill. Daniel, Sam and Teal'c nodded in agreement, and went off to get changed a do something of cosmic significance (a.k.a. nothing).

But that plan soon went down the plughole when…bah bah baaaaaaa

They had to do something.

-OMFG-

* * *

I know this is a really bad ending to a story with a horrid storyline, really sucky jokes and was written by someone who is obsessed with the stuff that grows in the shower (and you're going "no shit!") but I enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoyed getting weirded out by it. Thanks for reviewing and using up your broadband downloads and time in the internet to read my chapter/s. I really appreciate it.

All of my gratitude to all of you,

Looneybin.


End file.
